Bye Bye Malfoy
by broadwaystar32
Summary: Draco Malfoy has become the biggest name in the music industry, and he has thousands of screaming fans. With Ron as his manager, and Hermione as Ron's faithful scretary, what could go wrong? Based on the musical Bye Bye Birdie. Please R/R!
1. A Potions Teacher

A/N: This is based on the musical Bye Bye Birdie. Let me give you a brief outline of the characters.  
  
Draco Malfoy: The biggest name in the music industry. 20 years old.  
Ron Weasley: Draco's manager/ song writer. 33 years old.  
Hermione Granger: Ron's secretary and girlfriend of eight years. 32 years old.  
Ginny MacAfee (I had to change her last name): A young teenage girl living in the town of Sweet Apple, Ohio. 16 years old.  
Harry Potter: Ginny's steady. 16 years old.  
Mrs. Weasley: Ron's annoying mother. 60 years old.  
Mr. McAfee, Mrs. McAfee: Ginny's parents.  
Randolf McAfee: Ginny's brother. 10 years old.  
Lavender Brown- Ginny's best friend. 16 years old.  
  
I can't think of anyone else right now, but if I do I'll let you know!  
Also, I've disregarded their ages. They're all different ages! And Ron and Ginny are no longer related.  
  
************************************************************************  
Bye Bye Malfoy  
  
Act One  
  
Scene One  
  
RON: I can't believe it! I'm ruined in show business! Draco Malfoy- the biggest name in the music industry- has been drafted to join the fight against You-Know-Who! What am I to do now?  
  
HERMIONE: Well, you can start by getting a new secretary. Here is my resignition.  
  
RON: What? I need a pill. You know, my little white ones? Where are my pills?  
  
(Ron begins to search the room for his pills. Hermione already has them and slams one down in front of him)  
  
RON: No, cut it in half!  
  
HERMIONE: Ron, you're 33 years old. You can take a whole asiprin.  
  
RON: I'm not 33! I'm far from 33! I won't be 33 for another 2 days... Hermione, what am I going to do?  
  
HERMIONE:  
(starts song: A Potions Teacher)  
His going in the army is the best thing he could do  
Now you're free to start to do  
What you wanted to.  
Ronald, Ronald, Ron, Ron, Ron, Ronald!  
I remember how you told me it would just be for a year,  
I should trust you for a year,  
But it's eight years, Ronald, eight long years Ron!  
It was only a sideline, that's what you said,  
You just needed some money, that's what you said,  
You were going to college and get ahead,  
Instead of being a music business bum:  
You were going back to school and become-  
  
RON (spoken): Don't say it, Mione!  
  
HERMIONE: A Potions teacher!  
  
RON: I'm ruined in show business!  
  
HERMIONE (sung): A Potions teacher, a Potions teacher,  
If only you'd been a Potions teacher.  
We'd have a little apartment in near by,  
You'd get a summer vacation  
And we wouldn't let life pass us by.  
A man who's got his masters,  
Is really someone-  
How proud I'd be if you had become one!  
It could have been such a wonderful life  
I could have been Mrs. Weasley.  
Mrs. Ronald Weasley,  
Mrs. Potions Professor Weasley,  
The Potions teacher's wife!  
(song ends)  
  
RON: Please, you have to help me!  
  
HERMIONE: Wait, I have an idea.  
  
(She rustles through a file cabinet and pulls out an index card.)  
  
HERMIONE: Ginny McAfee. President of the Sweet Apple, Ohio Draco Malfoy fan club.  
(turning to Ron)  
Well, what are you sitting around for? Start writing your Draco's next song! It's called... One Last Kiss. I'm going to call up this Ginny McAfee.  
(on phone)  
Hello operator, can I have the McAfee residence? Yes, I'll hold.  
(to Ron)  
You see, Malfoy will sing this on television, and he will kiss this girl goodbye before he goes into the army. It's brilliant!  
  
RON (sitting at the piano, muttering): Oh one last kiss... it never was such bliss... umm... just tilt your head like this... no, no...  
  
HERMIONE (on phone): Yes operator, I'll try again later.  
(to Ron)  
Oh Ron, this could be your big break!  
  
************************************************************************  
A/N: Please review! 


	2. The Telephone Hour

A/N: By the way, in the song they talk about being pinned, that just means basically that they're going out.  
  
************************************************************************  
Scene 2  
  
(Setting: different houses of different people of Hogwarts. [A/N: I know telephones are a muggle thing, but let's just pretend they all use them, ok?])  
  
(song)  
SUSAN BONES: Hi, Hannah!  
  
HANNAH ABBOTT: Hi, Susan!  
  
SUSAN: What's the story, morning glory?  
  
HANNAH: What's the tale, nightngale?  
  
SUSAN: Tell me quick about Harry and Ginny!  
  
ALICIA SPINNET: Hi, Katie!  
  
KATIE BELL: Hi, Alicia!  
What's the story, morning glory?  
  
ALICIA: What's the word, humming bird?  
  
KATIE: Have you heard about Harry and Ginny?  
  
ALL 4 GIRLS: Did they really get pinned?  
Did she kiss him and cry?  
Did he pin the pin on  
Or was he too shy?  
Well I heard they got pinned  
  
GUYS: Yeah, yeah  
  
GIRLS: I was hoping they would  
GUYS: Uh-huh  
  
GIRLS: Now they're living at last  
  
GUYS: He's gone  
  
GIRLS: Going steady for good!  
  
NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM: Hello Mr. Clearwater, this is Neville Longbottom, can I speak to Penelope Ann?  
  
PENELOPE: Is it true about Ginny?  
  
NEVILLE (spoken): Penelope!  
  
PENELOPE: I just knew it some how!  
  
NEVILLE: About the ball...  
  
PENELOPE: I must call her right up  
  
NEVILLE: Saturday?  
  
PENELOPE: I can't talk to you now!  
  
GIRLS: Going steady  
  
GUYS: You know it, man  
  
GIRLS: Going steady  
  
GUYS: It's crazy, man  
  
GIRLS: Going steady  
  
GUYS: You know it!  
  
PANSY PARKINSON: It won't last!  
  
MILLICENT BULSTRODE: Not at all!  
  
PANSY: He's too thin!  
  
MILLICENT: She's too tall!  
  
NEVILLE: Hello Mrs. Brown, this is Neville Longbottom, can I speak to Lavender please?  
  
GUYS: Hi ya Harry! Hi ya stupid!  
What'd you wanna go get pinned for!  
  
GIRLS: Well I heard they got pinned!  
  
GUYS: Hey, ya meathead  
  
GIRLS: I was hoping they would  
  
GUYS: Lost your marbles?  
  
GIRLS: Now they're living at last  
  
GUYS: Are you nutty?  
  
GIRLS: Going steady for-  
  
NEVILLE: Hello Mrs. Patil, is Parvati home from school yet?  
  
SOME GIRLS: Well I heard they got pinned!  
  
OTHER GIRLS: Going steady!  
  
SOME GIRLS: I was hoping they would!  
  
OTHER GIRLS: Going steady!  
  
SOME GIRLS: Now they're living at last!  
  
ALL GIRLS: Going steady for good!  
  
GUYS: If you gotta go that's the way to go!  
When they got you hooked  
Then you're really cooked  
Whacha gonna do, whacha gonna do?  
  
(each girl goes to her boyfriend/ crush and starts "harassing" him about being pinned)  
  
GIRLS: Well I heard they got pinned!  
  
GUYS: Oh, man!  
  
GIRLS: I was hoping they would!  
  
GUYS: Oh, man!  
  
GIRLS: Now they're living at last  
  
GUYS: Oh......  
  
GIRLS: Going steady for good!  
Going steady, going steady, going steady  
Steady for good!  
Going steady, going steady, going steady  
Steady for good!  
He's in love with Gin, Gin's in love with him!  
  
GUYS: Going steady, going steady, going steady  
Steady for good!  
Going steady, going steady, going steady,  
Steady for good!   
GIRLS (at the same time as the guy's part, above): Well, well, do tell  
Well, well do tell  
  
GIRLS: That's the way it should be  
  
GUYS: Oh yeah  
  
GIRLS: They'll be happy I know  
  
GUYS: Oh yeah  
  
GIRLS: Going steady's for me  
  
GUYS: Oh yeah  
  
GIRLS: That's the way it should go  
  
GUYS: Going steady  
  
GIRLS: Going steady  
  
GUYS: Going steady  
  
GIRLS: Going steady  
  
GUYS: Going steady  
  
ALL: Steady for good!  
  
GIRLS: Going steady  
  
GUYS: Going steady  
  
GIRLS: Going steady  
  
GUYS: Going steady  
  
GIRLS: Going steady  
  
ALL: Oh, yeah!  
  
************************************************************************  
A/N: That's a pretty long song! But I like it. In fact, I'm doing it in a show now and it's so much fun! Anyway, here's a disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter & Co. They belong to JK Rowling. Also, Bye Bye Birdie belongs to the show's writers or producers or whatever. 


	3. How Lovely To Be A Woman

Scene Three  
  
(The scene opens up in Ginny McAfee's bedroom. She is talking on the phone. On the other side of the stage you see her best friend, Lavender Brown.)  
  
LAVENDER: Ginny McAfee, what do you mean you're resigning from the Malfoy fan club? Just because Harry Potter gave you his pin doesn't mean you have to retire from all social life! I mean, going steady is important, but there are some things more important than very important, and the Draco Malfoy fan club is one of them!  
  
GINNY: Oh, of course I'll still play his music every now and then, but I'm past that now.  
  
LAVENDER: And the scream, Ginny, the scream. Do you mean that everytime Draco Malfoy is talked about, you're not going to go "Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!" Oh, Ginny!  
  
MRS. MCAFEE (From offstage): Ginny, darling, I need to use the phone!  
  
GINNY: Lavender, I have to go. Look, I'm past those things now.  
  
LAVENDER: Are you sure, Gin?  
  
GINNY: Yes, I'm sure. Goodbye.  
  
(hangs up the phone)   
(song)  
When you're a skinny child of fourteen wired with braces from ear to ear  
You doubt that you could ever be appealing  
Then hallejuiah you are sixteen and the braces disappear  
And you have that happy grown up female feeling.  
How lovely to be a woman  
The wait was well worthwhile  
How lovely to wear mascara and smile a woman's smile.  
How lovely to have a figure that round instead of flat  
When ever you hear boys whistle  
You're what they're wistling at!  
It's wonderful to feel the way a woman feels  
It gives you such a glow just to know  
You're wearing lipstick and heels!  
How lovely to be a woman and have one job to do  
To pick out a boy and train him  
And then when you are through  
You've made him the man you want him to be  
How lovely when you're a woman like me.  
It's wonderful to know the things a woman knows  
How marvelous to wait for a date  
In simply beautiful clothes!  
How lovely to be a woman and change from boys to men  
To go to a fancy night club and stay out after ten!  
How lovely to me so grown up and free  
Life's lovely when you're a woman like me!  
(song ends)  
  
(Mr. McAfee, Mrs, McAfee, and Randolf come onstage)   
MRS. MCAFEE (coming on stage): Ginny, dear, there's a phone call for you.   
  
GINNY: Thank you, Doris, I'll take it down there. (picks up phone) Hello? Yes, I'll wait.  
  
MRS. MCAFEE: Well, the operator says it's long distance, only I can't imagine who could be calling, and... what did you say?  
  
GINNY: I said thank you, Doris. Well, don't look so offended. It's modern to call your mother by her first name. It makes mother and daughter seem more like pals.  
  
MRS. MCAFEE: I don't know, yesterday I was a mother, today I'm a pal. Couldn't you just call me Mum? That's modern.  
  
GINNY: Doris, the times are changing, and you simply must keep up with them.  
  
MRS. MCAFEE: Well, what about your father?  
  
GINNY: I'll call him Henry, naturally.  
  
MR. MCAFEE: Kids!  
  
(Mrs. McAfee exits)  
  
GINNY (on phone): Yes, this is Ginny McAfee. Yes, yes I heard you. All right, thank you. Goodbye. (hangs up phone.) What? Draco Malfoy... is coming here... to kiss me?! Doris? Mother? Mommy!  
  
MRS. MCAFEE (running onstage): Yes, darling?  
  
GINNY: It's Draco Malfoy, he's coming here to kiss me!  
  
MRS. MCAFEE (embracing Ginny): That's wonderful!  
  
GINNY: No, you don't understand! Draco Malfoy! Oh, Mommy!  
  
MRS. MCAFEE: I never thought I'd say this, but God bless Draco Malfoy! 


	4. Put On A Happy Face

Scene Four  
  
( At a wizard train station in London. Draco Malfoy is getting ready to board the train to travel to Ginny McAfee's hometown [a/n: if anyone knows exactly where Ginny's hometown is, could they please review and tell me? Thanks!] A group of girls and a group of guys are singing back and forth.)  
  
GIRLS: We love you Draco, oh yes we do  
We love you Draco and we'll be true  
When you're not near us we're blue!  
Oh, Draco we love you!  
  
GUYS: We hate you Draco, oh yes we do  
We hate you Draco, we really do  
You're singing makes us say, P-U!  
Oh Draco  
  
GIRLS: Oh Draco  
  
ALL: Oh Draco we hate/love you!  
  
(Just then Ron comes on and the guys go running off.)  
  
RON: All right now girls, sing all together now.   
  
(He begins to conduct as they sing)  
  
GIRLS: We love you Draco, oh yes we do  
We love you Draco and we'll be true  
When you're not near us we're blue.  
  
(Ron cuts them off as he notices a girl sitting alone on a bench. This girl is Cho Chang. [A/N: Just pretend Ron never knew Cho, okay? I'm trying to get as many HP characters as I can into this story. Oh, and I'd say Cho is sixteen])  
  
RON: Why, young lady, you can come sing with us if you'd like.  
  
(When she doesn't answer, he turns back to the girls.)   
Why, what's wrong with her?  
  
ELOISE MIDGEN: She's just sad because Draco is going into the army, and she'll be too old for time when she gets out.  
  
RON: Why, I'm sure she still has a few good years left in her. Why don't you girls go run along now? The train should be leaving soon.  
  
(The girls leave, and he turns to Cho)  
  
RON: Now, why don't you just smile for me. (getting no reaction from her) Young lady, this is an adult speaking. I order you to smile. Please?  
  
(song)  
Gray skies are gonna clear up  
Put on a happy face!  
Wipe off the frown and cheer up  
Put on a happy face.  
Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy  
It's not your style  
You'll look so good that you'll be glad you decided to smile!  
Pick out a pleasant outlook  
Lift up that noble chin.  
Wipe off the full of doubt look  
Slap on a happy grin  
And spread sunshine all over the place  
Just put on a happy face!  
Put on a happy face  
Put on a happy face  
And if you're feeling cross and bickerish  
Don't sit and whine  
Think of banana splits and licorice and you'll feel fine!  
I knew a girl so gloomy  
She'd never laugh or sing  
She wouldn't listen to me  
Now she's a mean old thing!  
So spread sunshine all over the place  
And put on a happy face!  
  
(Finally, Cho begins to smile. There is a whole dance break that follows between Cho and Ron.)  
  
RON: Well, you'd better hurry up. You don't want to miss Malfoy before he leaves!  
  
CHO: Thanks, Mr. Weasley!  
  
(Cho exits. Hermione enters, holding all their luggage so you cannot see her face. Ron doesn't realize it's her.)  
  
RON: Oh, thank you for the luggage, sir. Just put it down somewhere.  
  
(Hermione drops the luggage, so Ron can see it's her)  
  
RON: Hermione!  
  
HERMIONE: Yes, Ron.  
  
RON: What were you doing?  
  
HERMIONE: I was carrying our luggage. Without any help from you, Ron.  
  
(She goes and sits on a nearby bench. Just then Mrs. Weasley enters.)  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Sonny, Sonny boy, how are you?  
  
(Suddenly she starts to feel a little faint, but shows it very dramatically.)  
  
RON: Mama, what's the matter?  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Oh, nothing, Sonny boy. Just a little faint from riding in the subway.  
  
RON: Mama, I told you to take a taxi!  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Taxi Smaxi! I'll leave the taxis to my successful son. Here's the money I saved by taking the subway. Buy yourself some chocolate frogs or something. (She turns and sees Hermione.) And who is this?  
  
RON: Mama, you remember Mione! Hermione Granger, my secretary?  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: This is Hermione Granger? Pretty little Hermione Granger? Hermione, what happened? You had a sudden shock or something, right?  
  
HERMIONE: I think I'll be going now, Ron. Good-bye, Molly.  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Call me Mrs. Weasley.  
  
(Hermione exits)  
  
RON: Mama, I have to tell you something. It's about Hermione. And about the company, Ronmoler. [A/N: Get it? Instead of Almaelou, it's Ronmoler. Ron for Ron, Mol for Molly, and Er for their old owl, Errol.  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: All right. I know my Sonny won't say anything to break his Mama's heart.  
  
RON: Actually, it's about Errol, too.  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Errol! I miss you. Run over by a muggle beverage truck that I consumed faithfully for 32 years. What about Errol?  
  
RON: Well, Hermione thought, and I agree, that it might be best to... dissolve Ronmoler.  
  
(Mrs. Weasley comes close the fainting again.)  
  
RON: Mama! What's wrong?  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Oh, nothing. You only killed me, that's all!  
  
RON: Oh, Mama, no! I'm promise I won't do anything final.  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: I suppose I'd better be heading home now. I'll take the subway. The worst one I can find. Or, better yet, I'll walk. It's not that far, only 117 blocks. Goodbye, Sonny boy. Don't forget to wear your rubbers. And eat a warm lunch everyday. And change your socks!  
  
(Mrs. Weasley exits. Hermione enters)  
  
HERMIONE: Did you tell her about dissolving Ronmoler?  
  
RON: I tried.  
  
HERMIONE: And how did it go?  
  
RON: Well, I... I don't really think it went too well.  
  
HERMIONE: You have to be more forceful. Why, if you....  
  
(She is interrupted by Sirius Black running onstage.)  
  
SIRIUS: He's leaving! Draco Malfoy's leaving on that train!  
  
RON: Come on, Mione, let's go!  
  
(He grabs her by the hand, and the two run off, followed by Sirius.) ************************************************************************  
A/N: If anyone wants me to email them when the next chapter is up, I'd be more than happy to. Just ask me to in your review.  
  
Also, I just wanted to let you all know that I am writing this without a script. Since I only have four lines in the show, they didn't give me a script. So I've just been writing this from what I remember of about six weeks of rehearsals. I hope it's close enough! 


	5. One Boy / Honestly Sincere

Scene Five  
  
(In Ginny McAfee's hometown. A large group of people are gathered around, welcoming Draco Malfoy.)  
  
LAVENDER: We welcome you, Draco Malfoy, to our fair city. And now, to lead the Draco Malfoy pledge, is the one you have chosen to bestow your final kiss upon- Ginny McAfee!  
  
(Ginny steps forward.)  
  
GINNY & GIRLS: I, Ginny McAfee, being of sound mind and body, do hereby promise to be loyal, courteous, steadfast and true to Draco Malfoy and the United States of America, with liberty and justice for all!  
  
(Girls scream and everyone exits, except for Ginny, Harry, Alicia, and Parvati. Harry tries to approach Ginny, but is stopped by her friends, Alicia and Parvati.)  
  
HARRY: I have to talk to Ginny.  
  
PARVATI: Harry Potter, what's so important that you have to talk to her right now?  
  
HARRY: What's so important is that two days ago I give her my pin, and now she goes around kissing some other guy, that's what's so important!  
  
ALICIA: Why, Harry, it sounds as though you're actually jealous.  
  
HARRY: You're wrong. I'm not jealous. I'm the opposite of jealous. I'm very jealous!  
  
GINNY: Why, Harry, there's no need to be jealous. Draco Malfoy is just a fling. But you're my steady. And a steady is forever.  
  
(song)  
One boy, one special boy  
One boy to go with, to talk with, and walk with  
  
GINNY, ALICIA, & PARVATI: One boy, that's the way it should be  
That's the way it should be  
  
GINNY: One boy  
  
GIRLS: One certain boy,  
One boy to laugh with, to joke with, have coke with  
One boy not two or three  
  
GINNY: One day you'll find out  
This is what life is all about  
You need someone who is living just for you  
  
HARRY (spoken): Oh, thank you, Ginny! All thoughts of a nosebleed have utterly vanished.  
  
GINNY: See, Draco Malfoy doesn't make me feel dizzy and weak when I think about him. Only my steady does that. Why, even when I say his name nothing happens. See? Draco Malfoy. Draco Malfoy. Draco Malfoy!  
  
(Ginny faints, but is caught by Alicia and Parvati. She comes back up and starts singing to Harry again.)  
  
GIRLS (sung): One boy  
One steady boy  
One boy to be with forever and ever  
One boy, that's the way it should be  
That's the way it should be  
That's the way it should be  
  
(Hermione has come on stage. Ginny, Alicia, and Parvati exit, but Harry stays on.)  
  
HARRY: Oh, isn't it wonderful, Miss Granger? That's Ginny, she's my steady!  
  
(Harry goes running off.)  
  
HERMIONE (sung):  
When will he find out  
This is what life is about  
Will he ever see  
I need him, and he needs me.  
One guy, one special guy  
One guy to be with forever and ever  
One guy, that's the way it should be.  
That's the way it should be.  
  
(the lights go out, and come up again in the center of town, where a large group of people are gathered around the minister of magic, and Draco Malfoy.)  
  
CORNELIUS FUDGE: It is with great pride and prejuice, as well as the usual pomp and circumstance, that I welcome you to our city. I will now present a key to the city, so generously donated by the men at our brass works, to you, Draco Malfoy-  
  
LAVENDER (screaming): Ahhh! He said it! He said the name!  
  
FUDGE: What happened? All I said was Draco Malfoy-  
  
PADMA PATIL (screaming): Ahh! He said it again! Ahhh!  
  
FUDGE: Will you girls please stop screaming? Otherwise I won't be able to finish my speech!  
  
LAVENDER: Oh, who cares about your speech! We want to hear from Draco.  
(goes over to Draco)  
Speak to us, oh beautiful one. Tell us how you make that glorious sound, that even now, in anticipation, has reduced me, to a raging, panting, snarling, jungle beast! Ahhh!  
  
DRACO (sung):  
You gotta be sincere  
  
(Fudge's wife faints)  
  
FUDGE: Edna! What's the matter?  
  
DRACO (sung):  
You gotta be sincere  
  
FUDGE: Mr. Malfoy, what are you doing?  
  
DRACO: You gotta feel it here  
Cause if you feel it here  
Well then you gotta be honestly sincere  
  
(Girls scream)  
  
DRACO: If what you feel is true  
Really feel it you  
Make them feel it too  
Right this down now you  
Gotta be sincere  
Honestly sincere  
Man, you gotta be sincere  
  
(Girls scream)  
  
DRACO: If you're really sincere  
If you're really sincere  
If you feel it in here  
Then it's gotta be right!  
Oh baby!  
  
(screams)  
  
DRACO: Oh honey!  
  
(screams)   
DRACO: Hug me!  
  
(screams)  
  
DRACO: Suffer!  
  
(screams)  
  
DRACO: In everything I do  
My sincerity shows through  
I look you in the eye Don't even have to try  
It's atomatic I'm sincere  
When I sing about a tree  
I really feel that tree  
When I sing about a girl  
I really feel that girl  
I mean I really feel sincere!  
  
(screams)  
  
DRACO: If you're really sincere  
If you're really sincere  
If you feel it in here  
Then it's gotta be right  
Oh baby!  
  
(screams [A/N: I think you get the screams, ok? So I'm not writing 'screams' anymore!])  
  
DRACO: Oh honey!  
Hug me!  
Suffer!  
You gotta be sincere  
Oh, oh  
You gotta feel it here  
Oh baby, oh my baby,  
Oh yeah!  
Oh my baby, oh yeah!  
Well you gonna be sincere,  
well you gonna be sincere  
  
(The girls start fainting)  
  
Well you gonna be sincere  
Well you gonna be sincere  
Well you gonna be sincere  
Well you gonna be sincere  
Oh, my baby, oh yeah!  
Oh my baby, oh yeah!  
Well you gonna be sincere  
Well you gonna be sincere  
Oh my baby, oh yeah!  
Oh my baby, oh yeah!  
Oh my baby, oh yeah!  
Oh my baby, oh yeah!  
Yeah, yeah, yeah!  
  
(At this point, everyone has fainted. Draco looks around, surveys his damage, then heads over to Fudge and takes the key from him. The lights go out.)  
  
************************************************************************  
A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! And Invader Tak asked me what part I played, so I'll tell you. I'm Helen, one of Kim's friends. Part of the "posse", we call ourselves. Anyway, in this story Helen's part is the same as Susan Bones'. If anyone has done this play before, please review and tell me! I'm curious to know! 


	6. Hymn For A Sunday Evening

Scene Six  
  
(Lavender and a small group of girls, including Parvati, Susan, Hannah, Alicia, Katie, and Penelope. They are very tired looking, and their singing is lazy and slow.)  
  
GIRLS (sung): We love you Draco  
Oh yes we do  
We love you Draco,   
And we'll be true.  
  
KATIE: I'm tired, Lavender.  
  
PARVATI: We've been here all night.  
  
SUSAN: I wanna phone home.  
  
PENELOPE: I want my blue blanket.  
  
ALICIA: I'm hungry. Feed me!  
  
HANNAH: Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!  
  
LAVENDER: We promised to sing the Malfoy song 10,000 times. We've only done it 5,257 times. So sing!  
  
GIRLS: We love you Draco,  
oh yes we do.  
We love you Draco...  
  
(The girls begin to fade off as they fall asleep. It is early morning, and Mr. McAfee is in his kitchen, eating breakfast. Ginny comes in)  
  
GINNY: Daddy, we have to clean up this mess. Draco's going to come down to breakfast!  
  
MR. MCAFEE: This mess happens to be my breakfast. And I'm not leaving until I've read The Daily Prophet, smoked a cigarette, had a cup of coffee, and had my two scrambled eggs!  
  
MRS. MCAFEE: Now, I'm sure we could start clearing away a few of these things. Ginny's so excited, she's prepared a big breakfast for Draco.  
  
(Randolf, the little brother, comes in)  
  
RANDOLF: Here's The Daily Prophet, Dad. I hope you don't mind, I cut out a few articles about Draco.  
  
(Mr. McAfee opens the paper, and it's all cut up, it's unreadable. Mrs. McAfee finishes clearing the table, and takes away his food before he's finished.)  
  
MR. MCAFEE: Where's my coffee?  
  
MRS. MCAFEE: I'm sorry, we're all out of coffee, dear. How about a nice, warm 7-up?  
  
MR. MCAFEE: That's it. The votes are in, and access has been denied. I gave up my bed to a guest that repeatedly referred to me as, "fats", and I slept on a cot with my feet hanging off the edge. And outside my window, three-  
  
(He goes to the window, and sees there's more than three girls there now. He counts and realizes there's seven.)  
  
MR. MCAFEE: Seven- they're multiplying, Doris! Seven girls outside my window, skrieking, "We love you Draco, oh yes we do", 4,723 times.  
  
(He gets out his wand and aims it at the girls outside, but his wife grabs his arm first.)  
  
MRS. MCAFEE: Please, no violence. Besides, they're asleep now, they'll do no harm.  
  
MR. MCAFEE: And now, you offer me a warm 7-Up. I can't take it anymore!  
  
(He goes to the side of the stage. Randolf looks off stage for Draco.)  
  
RANDOLF: He's coming, he's coming!  
  
GINNY: I'll get the breakfast, you wake the girls, mother!  
  
(Mrs. McAfee leans out the window and talks to the girls.)  
  
MRS. MCAFEE: Girls, he's coming! Get up if you want to see him eat breakfast!  
  
(The girls scramble up and peer through the window. Lavender's mom, Mrs. Brown, comes as well.)  
  
MRS. BROWN: I hope you don't mind, Doris, but I had to come too. I'll just stand quietly back here.  
  
(Draco comes in. He grabs a 7-Up, chugs it, and belches loudly. Turns to Mrs. McAfee.)  
  
DRACO: Call me for lunch.  
  
(He starts to leave, but passes Mr. McAfee on the way out. He pats him on the stomach.)  
  
DRACO: Hiya, Fats.  
  
(Draco exits.)  
  
MR. MCAFEE: Doris, that boy... I can't stand to have him in this house!  
  
GINNY: Please, not in front of everyone, Daddy!  
  
MRS. BROWN: Lavender, we'd better go.  
  
(The girls and Mrs. Brown exit.)  
  
MR. MCAFEE: I get no respect around here. Not from anyone. And, if one more time, I am referred to as 'Fats', I will-  
  
(He is cut off by Ron, who comes in.)  
  
RON: I just got off the line with some producers in America. You are aware of a show called, "The Ed Sullivan Show"? Though it's watched by muggles, Ed Sullivan is actually a wizard, and he's coming here to film a magical version of his show, and you are all going to be on it! With Draco, of course. I'm sure you probably watch it anyway, I'm aware that many wizards watch this show, and I've heard this family is big on muggle things.  
  
MR. MCAFEE: We're going to be on The Sullivan Show? The Ed Sullivan, Sullivan Show? He's my favorite human.  
(song)  
Me, on the Ed Sullivan show?  
Ed Sullivan  
Me, Henry McAfee, appearing with  
Ed Sullivan  
  
MR. & MRS. MCAFEE: Ed- Ed Sullivan  
  
MR. MCAFEE, MRS. MCAFEE, KIM: Ed- Ed Sullivan  
  
RANDOLF: Ed Sullivan, Ed Sullivan  
  
MR. MCAFEE, MRS. MCAFEE, KIM, RANDOLF: Ed, Ed, Sul, Sul  
Ed Sullivan  
Ed Sullivan  
We're gonna be on Ed Sullivan  
  
MRS. MCAFEE, KIM: How could any family be  
Half as fortunate as we?  
  
ALL FOUR: We'll be coast to coast, with our favorite host  
Ed Sullivan  
  
(The whole cast comes on stage to join in the song)  
  
ALL: Ed Sullivan  
Ed Sullivan They're gonna be on  
Ed Sullivan  
  
(The cast continues to "Ahhh" in the background, and Mr. McAfee speaks up front)  
  
MR. MCAFEE: I've got a wonderful wife, two swell kids, a good job, and now, this!  
  
ALL: Someday we'll recall  
The greatest day of all  
  
MR. MCAFEE: Ed, I love you!  
  
ALL: Ed Sullivan!  
  
************************************************************************  
A/N: I'm desperately trying to make this more "magical", as was the suggestion of Fawkes, but I couldn't help to put in Ed Sullivan, since I think it's one of the best songs in the show. Even if it wasn't exactly magical.  
  
Also, Invader Tak pointed out that I skipped Normal American Boy. Yes, I did, because I figured that Draco was from England, so he wouldn't exactly be an "American Boy," would he? And I figured it wasn't vital to the plot, so I skipped it.  
  
The lines the girls say at the beginning were added into my show by my director. You may have noticed that (besides the first two, which are already in the script) each of those lines is from another show or movie. So I'll put a disclaimer in for those lines.  
  
I wanna phone home- E.T.  
I want my blue blanket- Charlie Brown  
I'm hungry. Feed me!- Little Shop Of Horrors  
Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!- Annie (for some reason, ever since I did Annie with this director, he adds an 'oh my goodness' line into every show he's directed!) 


	7. One Last Kiss

Scene Seven  
  
(Hermione and Ron are sitting in the theater that is going to be used for the Ed Sullivan show.)  
  
HERMIONE: So, this is it. This is where they'll be filming Ed Sullivan.  
  
RON: It's wonderful, Hermione. Guess what? I wrote to Mama about dissolving Ronmoler. It's been three days and I haven't heard from her!  
  
HERMIONE: That's great, Ron!  
  
(They start to hug, but are interrupted as Mrs. Weasley comes on stage.)  
  
RON: Mama! What are you doing here?  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Three days ago I recieved a letter, obviously written under the influence, from my son.  
  
(She takes out the letter and reads it aloud.)   
MRS. WEASLEY: Dear Mama, I am dissolving Ronmoler. Your friend, Ron. You will do no such thing. You must keep the company, but hire a new secretary. And lucky for you, I found the perfect girl on the train. Come on out, Fleur!  
  
(Fleur Delecour comes out on stage. [A/N: Think major ditz!])  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: This is Fleur Delecour, your new secretary.  
  
RON: But I don't need a new secretary Mama, I have Hermione!  
  
(Fleur walks up to Ron)  
  
FLEUR: Hey Ronnie! You're cute.  
  
RON: Mama, I don't see the need for a new secretary or typist, I have one already.  
  
FLEUR: I don't just type.  
  
RON: You do other things?  
  
FLEUR: I tap dance! Molly, can you hum Swanee River?  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: One of my favorite tunes.  
  
(This whole time, Fleur has been chewing Droobles Best Blowing Gum. She takes the piece out of her mouth, and hands it to Hermione. She then does her tap dance, which is pretty bad. She ends in a split.)   
RON: Uh, do you have to stay down there?  
  
FLEUR: For a few minutes. Molly, help me up. Ronnie, you push from the other side. Easy- ok, there we go.  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Don't worry, Sonny, they can always cut the ending when they jack her up for the movies.  
  
FLEUR: So, do I get the job?  
  
RON: Well, you certainly have wonderful qualifications. But- I have Hermione.  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Come on, just give her a try. I have an old typewriter in the back, you can see how fast she types.  
  
RON (to Fleur): Do you use the touch system?  
  
FLEUR: Whenever possible!  
  
(All three exit, leaving Hermione on stage. Harry comes running in.)  
  
HARRY: Miss Granger, I was hoping you'd be here. I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to tell you that I will absolutely not let Ginny kiss Draco on that show tomorrow night, and-  
  
(Harry looks up to see that Hermione isn't looking at him)  
  
HARRY: Miss Granger? Miss Granger are you all right? Miss Granger, can I help you?  
  
HERMIONE: Yes, Harry, I think you can.  
  
(The next night, at the Ed Sullivan show.)  
  
ED SULLIVAN: Welcome to the Ed Sullivan show. Tonight we have with us England's music sensation, Draco Malfoy. Also with us is a patriotic English family, the McAfees. Their family consists of the father, Henry, the mother, Doris, a son, Randolph, and a daughter, Ginny, the lucky girl who has been chosen to recieve Draco's final kiss before he leaves for the army. And now, let our show begin!  
  
(The music plays a short fan fare, then stops.) MR. MCAFEE: Where's Ed?  
  
(The music again plays the fanfare, and Draco Malfoy walks out. The girls scream.)  
  
DRACO: (song) Oh one last kiss  
Oh give me one last kiss  
It never felt like this  
No, never felt like this  
You know I need your love uh-uh-uh  
Oh give me one last kiss.  
Oh one more time, oh baby one more time  
It really is sublime, oh honey so sublime  
You know I need your love uh-uh-uh  
Oh give me one last kiss.  
  
(Draco grabs Ginny and starts twirling her around and preparing to kiss her. Mr. McAfee keeps jumping up and starts dancing in front of the camera.)  
  
DRACO: Ba-a-a-a-a-by give me one last kiss  
Ba-a-a-a-a-a-by give me one last kiss  
Oh one last kiss  
Oh give me one last kiss  
It never felt like this, no never felt like this  
You know I need your love, uh-uh-uh  
Oh give me one last kiss  
  
ALL: One last kiss  
One last kiss  
Oh give me one last kiss  
  
DRACO: Oh baby, one last kiss  
  
ALL: One last kiss  
One last kiss  
Oh give me one last-  
  
DRACO (spoken, to Ginny): Brace yourself, baby.  
  
(Harry comes running up and grabs Draco's arm)  
  
HARRY: Brace yourself, Draco Malfoy!  
  
(Harry hits Draco. All the girls gasp and scream. The cameras are still running.)  
  
GINNY: Harry, you hit him!  
  
HARRY: Well, he was a thief of love!  
  
GINNY: Harry, I never want to speak to you again!  
  
(Ginny goes running off, followed by her mother and Harry)  
  
RON: Who let that kid in here?  
  
(Hermione comes in)  
  
HERMIONE: I did, Ron. Think of it as sort of a farewell present to you and Miss Delacour.  
  
RON: But Hermione, you can't leave me here... all alone.  
  
HERMIONE: You're not alone, Ron. (She points his head towards the camera) You're on television.  
  
(Hermione exits. Ron goes and tries to pick Draco up.)  
  
RON: For he's a fine upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal, English boy...  
ALL: For he's a fine, upstanding, patriotic, healthy, normal, English boy!  
  
************************************************************************  
A/N: Wow, I have finished Act One. By the way, my show of Bye Bye Birdie opens tonight! I was so nervous because I couldn't hit the notes in my solo (What's the story, morning glory) which was surprising, since it wasn't that high. But I talked to the musical director, and we figured out it was because I was laying on my stomach, so he switched it so I'm sitting up now. I'm so happy! I can't wait for my show!! Wish me luck!!!! 


	8. What Did I Ever See In Him?

Act Two  
  
Scene One  
  
(In the McAfee's home. Hermione and Ginny are in Ginny's room.)  
  
HERMIONE (song):  
Eight years, eight years  
That's how long I wasted on him  
That's all, I'm through  
Ronald, dear, to put it sweetly,  
To hell with you!  
  
(spoken)  
That's right Ron, to hell with you! I will no longer sit around to be bossed around by... by... by a six foot tower of jello!  
  
(sung)  
What did I ever see in him?  
How did I ever get involved that way?  
Now that it's over I can smile and say  
What did I ever see in him?  
Boy, I was way out on a limb.  
Now that my feet are on the ground again  
Now that my senses have been found again  
What did I ever see in him?  
Is he tender? No, he's not!  
Is he thoughtful? No, he's not!  
Am I crazy?  
What's he got that I found so damn appealing?  
What did he ever do for me?  
Well to be honest he was sometimes nice  
But still it wasn't worth that awful price  
It was rough from the start  
Broken dates, broken nails, broken heart  
How did I ever? Why did I ever? What did I ever?  
  
GINNY (Spoken): Why, Miss Granger, all men can't be that bad.  
  
HERMIONE: They are, Ginny, every single one of them. From puberty to senility, from Benedict Arnold to Mussolini.  
  
GINNY: Then what are we poor women to do?  
  
HERMIONE: Get out. Sip from the brimming cup of life, and create our potions to use men as our play things. I'm going out to live!  
  
GINNY & HERMIONE (sung):  
Do we need them? No, we don't!  
Do we want them? No, we don't!  
  
GINNY: Will we leave them?  
  
HERMIONE: No we won't!  
Tell me, what did I say that for?  
  
BOTH: What did we ever see in them?  
How could we ever think that they were nice?  
Take it from us we paid an awful price.  
It was rough from the start  
Broken dates, broken nails, broken heart!  
What did I ever see in-  
  
GINNY (spoken): Harry James Potter! You were right Miss Granger, I have to go out and live! I'm coming on the town with you tonight!  
  
HERMIONE: Oh, no, Ginny, you're too young! How about some milk and cookies?  
  
GINNY: It's too late for milk and cookies. I have to get out! Sip from the brimming cup of life and make our potions together. I have to go get changed!  
  
(Ginny goes running off, Ron comes on.)  
  
RON: There she is, the traitor that almost ruined my career! Well, I'll have you know that thanks to Mama's quick thinking, the kiss will take place after all. Before Draco gets on the train tomorrow back to New York. So, you have failed. As anyone would fail that tries to book Ronald Weasley. One of the titans, one of the giants, one of the King Kongs of the music industry-  
  
HERMIONE (sung):  
What did I ever see in him?  
How did I ever think that he was nice?  
Take it from me I paid an awful price!  
It was rough from the start  
Broken dates, broken nails, broken heart-  
  
RON (spoken): One of the-  
  
(Hermione pushes past him)  
  
HERMIONE: Out of my way, you warped Potions teacher!  
(sung)  
What did I ever see in him?  
  
(Hermione exits)  
  
RON: No, Hermione, please, come back, I'm sorry-  
  
(The McAfee Family comes on)  
  
RON: And I'm sorry, but I simply cannot take you back, Hermione, no matter how much you plead or beg. (To the McAfees) I'm sorry to have to do this in front of you folks.  
  
(Ginny enters)  
  
MR. MCAFEE: Just where do you think you're going, young lady?  
  
GINNY: I'm going out to live! To sip from the brimming cup of life!  
  
MR. MCAFEE: Oh no you're not! Upstairs, now!  
  
GINNY: Miss Granger was right! You're all the same- from puberty to Mussolini!  
  
(Ginny exits)  
  
MR. MCAFEE: All I wanted was a little respect. But did I get respect? No, I got no respect!  
  
RANDOLPH: I respect you, Pa!  
  
MR. MCAFEE: I don't want your respect! You're a child! What good's respect from a child? There were certain words I never wanted to hear in this house. Puberty was the first. Mussolini was the second. And respect was the third!  
  
(The McAfees exit)  
  
(Mrs. Weasley enters)  
  
RON: Hermione, I need you!  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: What do you need with her?  
  
RON: I have to find her! Mama, if you really loved me you would help me find her!  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Well, all right dear. I'll help you find Hermione. Only... maybe I'd better give you the message from Draco first.  
  
RON: What message?  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Oh, nothing. Just that he's going out tonight, and he doesn't think he'll be back in time to kiss Ginny tomorrow.  
  
RON: Draco!  
  
(Draco comes on)  
  
DRACO: Take it easy, Ron, I'm coming.  
  
RON: I forbid you to go out tonight.  
  
DRACO: I want to live. Come on, it's my last night before joining the fight, I want to get out and meet some young chicks. I'm tense!  
  
RON: Mama, do something!  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Draco, did you ever think in terms of a more mature woman?  
  
DRACO: Man, I hope I never get that tense.  
  
RON: Mama, get the contract. Never mind, I'll get it. Draco, don't move!  
  
(Ron exits)  
  
MRS. WEASLEY: Oh, Draco!  
  
(Mrs. Weasley exits)  
  
************************************************************************  
A/N: I'm so sad, our show closed! We only had three performances. I miss it already! Thanks to all reviewers! 


	9. A Lot Of Livin' To Do Kids

Scene Two  
  
(The same night)  
  
DRACO: (song)  
There are chicks  
Just ripe for the kissin'  
And I mean to kiss me a few  
Man those chicks don't know what they're missing  
I've got a lot of living to do  
Sizzling steaks all ready for tasting  
And there's firebolts  
All shiny and new  
Gotta move cause time is a wasting  
I got a lot of livin' to do.  
  
(Ginny comes out of her house, Draco moves over to a group of girls.)  
  
GINNY: There are men  
Of nineteen or twenty  
Who are suave and reckless and true  
Older men who give a girl plenty  
I got a lot of livin' to do.  
  
DRACO: There's music to play,  
Places to go, people to see  
Everything for you and me.  
(Spoken)  
Say, don't you kids live around here?  
  
PARVATI: Yes, Mr. Malfoy!  
  
DRACO: What's the low down on this place?  
  
PARVATI: We are located in England, founded in 1543 by Jerimiah-  
  
DRACO: No, I mean what do you do around here? Where do you go to have a ball?  
  
ALICIA: Well, there's The Three Broomsticks, and all of Hogsmeade, and the older kids go to the ice house.  
  
DRACO: The ice house? What's there?  
  
ALICIA: Well, I don't know. Ice, I guess.  
  
(Ginny comes over) GINNY: It just so happens that the ice house is where people go when they want to be alone.  
  
DRACO: Hey, aren't you that chick I was supposed to kiss?  
  
GINNY: I am not a chick, I'm a fully grown woman, and I intend to be treated as such.  
  
DRACO: Now you're talkin', chick! Let's move! We've got things to do!  
(sung) Crazy clothes  
And broomstick races  
  
ALL: Someone nice to cuddle up to  
Broadway lights and wide open spaces  
We've got a lot of livin' to do!  
Lots of dates  
And no one to scold you  
Loop de loop and laugh at the view  
Moonlight swims and someone to hold you  
Yeah!  
We've got a lot of livin' to do!  
  
DRACO: There's music to play  
  
ALL: You know it  
  
DRACO: Places to go  
  
ALL: You know it  
  
DRACO: People to see  
Everything  
  
ALL: Yeah!  
  
DRACO: For you and me.  
  
ALL: Oh life's a ball  
If only you know it  
And it's all just waiting for you  
You're alive so come on and show it  
Oh we got a lot of livin'  
Such a lot of livin'  
What a lot of livin' to do!  
  
(The kids cheer and run off stage. Only Harry remains on. Mr. McAfee also comes on.)  
  
HARRY: Ginny! Ginny? Ginny! Oh! Mr. McAfee!  
  
MR. MCAFEE: Have you seen Ginny?  
  
HARRY: She's run off with Draco Malfoy. No doubt they've gone to take moonlight swims, broomstick races, and loop de loop. So I'm doing the only sensible thing to do. I'm going to drink myself to death!  
  
(Harry runs off stage)  
  
MR. MCAFEE: Moonlight swims? Broomstick races?! LOOP DE LOOP?! Doris!  
  
(Mrs. McAfee comes on stage.)  
  
MRS. MCAFEE: What is it, dear?  
  
(Ron comes on)  
  
RON: Mr. McAfee, have you see Draco?  
  
MR. MCAFEE: He and and my daughter have run off together! I'll Avada Kedavra him!  
  
RON: No! Hermione, I need you!  
  
(Ron goes off)  
  
MRS. MCAFEE: You know you can't do that, it's illegal.  
  
MR. MCAFEE (sung):  
Kids! I don't know what's wrong with these kids today!  
Kids! Who can understand anything they say?  
Kids! They are disobidient, disrespectful oafs!  
Noisy, crazy, sloppy, lazy loafers!  
And while we're on the subject-  
  
MRS. MCAFEE:  
Kids! They are just impossible to control.  
Kids! With their awful clothes and their rock and roll!  
  
BOTH:  
Why can't they be like we were,  
Perfect in every way?  
What's the matter with kids today?  
  
(Randolph comes on)  
  
Kids!  
  
MR. MCAFEE: I don't mind the moonlight swims, it's the loop de loop that hurts!  
  
BOTH: Kids!  
  
MR. MCAFEE: Why don't they lower the draft age (he looks at Randolph) to about eleven?  
  
BOTH: Kids!  
  
MR. MCAFEE: I didn't know what puberty was till I was almost past it!  
  
BOTH: Laughing, singing, dancing crazy morons!  
Why are they so dreadful?  
Kids! They are just impossible to control!  
Kids! With their awful clothes and their rock and roll!  
Why can't they be like we were  
  
MR. MCAFEE: Perfect in every way!  
  
RANDOLPH (spoken): Here's my muggle water gun, Pa!  
  
MR. MCAFEE: A water gun? What good's a water gun! Why, a water gun... give it to me.  
  
MR. & MRS. MCAFEE (sung):  
What's the matter with kids today? 


End file.
